


Tooru Gone

by beatboxbmo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression?, M/M, iwasuga, loss?, mentions of oikawa - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-14 22:00:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3427112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beatboxbmo/pseuds/beatboxbmo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the help of Iwaizumi, Suga starts to move on four years after Oikawa's mysterious disappearance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. *

**Author's Note:**

> i'm lame and don't wanna lose the views/kudos I already have or that first commenter, but! this is almost kind of completely different than the last two versions and hopefully much much better and there will def be more chs. and hopefully future iwaoisuga :O

Tooru's phone finally disconnected three days ago. 

Koushi hadn't paid the bill, taking Hajime's advice that it was time to let go. It didn't make it any easier, knowing he was right, that it was pointless to keep calling a number knowing no one was going to pick up. Tooru had never even set up a personalized mailbox, so every time Koushi called, he was greeted with an automated message he hated to hear. 

His hand tightens around his phone, the screen bright and blinding in the dim room. Tooru's contact info stares up at him, the tiny profile picture the last thing Koushi has of his missing boyfriend. The box of things belonging to Tooru that he used to have hidden in his closet is no longer there, carried to the trash the other day with the help of Hajime. That was the night Koushi was too wracked with guilt over throwing away the last of Tooru's things that he felt as if ever fiber of his being was ripping apart. 

But then Hajime had shown up the next morning, bearing food and a tight embrace, and the remnants of the night slowly faded until Koushi could function again. 

Even now Hajime is there, standing in the doorway with his arms crossed over his stomach, his eyes staring into the living room to give Koushi a bit of privacy. For the past four years, Hajime has always been nearby, even during those perilous months when Koushi was furious at the other man for moving on so soon. 

But after the anger subsided, the loneliness crept back and washed over him, drowning him in too many dark, empty nights, and blinding days without sound. They mended things, and even though Hajime says it's alright, that he's forgiven him, Koushi still apologizes from time to time. 

Hajime clears his throat, and Koushi knows it's time. He needs to do this. He blinks back tears and presses a few buttons on his phone, his thumb hovering over the 'delete' button. 

Once this is gone, the only thing they'll have left of Tooru are faded memories of a person everyone else has forgotten. 

How long will it take until he also forgets Tooru? Will he ever? Or will he be plagued with nightmares and hallucinations of the man he once loved, of the man that disappeared from his life years ago? Honestly, just knowing what had happened to Tooru would make everything so much easier, whether he was hiding in some other town completely happy, or if he was hurt or even dead. It was the not knowing that bothered Koushi most of all. 

He blinks again and before he can think any further, he presses the button and shuts his phone off, tossing it behind him to be lost amongst the bed covers. 

Hajime finally steps into the room, sitting softly beside Koushi until they're leaning against one another, Hajime's body heat almost suffocating. 

"I know that wasn't easy for you," he whispers. 

Koushi offers a shrug, but leans towards Hajime and rests his head on his shoulder. "It had to be done eventually." 

With hands intertwined, Koushi thinks about how lucky he is that Hajime has always been there for him. Listening and waiting and staying up all hours of the night to comfort him. The morning check ins with food, even the first year when he let Koushi room with him. If Hajime hadn't been there for him every step of the way, Koushi might not be here right now, holding Hajime's hand and knowing that things might just be okay. 

Thinking about their history brings a small smile to his face. "It's kind of funny how we ended up here, isn't it?" he asks. 

"What do you mean?" 

Koushi shrugs again. "Just that, we used to never interact all that much in high school or college, and when we did, you were always so curt. I could never tell if you hated me or just didn't care." 

Hajime snorts. "Long story short, I was just jealous." 

"What? Please, elaborate." 

Koushi is sitting up now and staring at Hajime with a smile on his face. Hajime glances away, not wanting to ruin his mood. 

"I used to get all the attention, which was extremely annoying, but then you came along and it's like he forgot about me. I mean, at first it was nice, ya know, having a break from that asshole always bothering me. But then eventually I got really annoyed and I honestly didn't like you, even before I met you, just because you had all of his attention. But then we met and I got to know you and it was just like, 'Goddamn. That idiot gets to spend all his time with this angel? Lucky bastard.'" 

"Oh," Koushi's shoulders slump, and he pulls away from Hajime. Memories of the time he first met Hajime cloud his mind. The angry stares and gruff responses. Honestly, Hajime had scared him a little in the beginning. But those one-on-one outtings had shun a light on the other man, and Koushi was just glad to know he'd made a new friend. But the memories of how happy Tooru was, knowing the two people he cared about the most got along great, had Koushi's chest aching. 

Hajime shrugs. "It was petty, ya know? So I mean, once you finally started paying me attention, everything was okay. I forgave that asshole and all was good." 

"So... after Tooru disappeared... is that why you moved on so quickly?" 

"What?" 

Koushi can't sit still. He rises from the bed and paces in front of Hajime. "He was gone for a year and you were distraught, sure, but as soon as we had that memorial service and his parents told us to give up, you listened to them! You turned your back on me and stopped searching. You even told me _countless_ times that Tooru was dead!" 

"That's because he is!" Hajime stands as he shouts, his voice like thunder, booming around them and sending shivers down Koushi's spine. The taller man towers over Koushi, his eyes glazed over and his mouth a thin, angry line. His hands jut out to the side as he speaks, and Koushi can't decide where he should be looking. "And even if he isn't dead, he's not here! He's not coming back! He left us, Koushi. He never told us where he went or what he was doing, the police never found anything and it's pointless to keep searching for him! Wherever he is, it is not here. I told you this before, remember? I love you so much it hurts sometimes, but if you continue to believe that he's alive or he's coming back, then I'm gone. For good this time." 

Koushi can feel the tears fall but he can't stop them. He doesn't even know why he's crying. Hajime seems to freeze for a moment, before his chest deflates and the anger is gone. He slumps his shoulders and collapses on the bed. Koushi raises a hand and wipes at his face, but the tears won't stop. 

Hajime sighs. "If there was a way for me to bring him back, don't you think I would have done it by now?" Koushi looks over, but Hajime is staring at his hands, his head hung so Koushi can't see his face. "He was my best friend. My extremely annoying, affection, caring best friend, who I might also have been in love with. We knew each other all our lives and I would have done _anything_ for him. And without you around, I don't think I could have lasted this long." 

There's a crack in Hajime's voice. Koushi's heart thuds against his rib cage. He shakes his head. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Hajime is the strong one. In all the years they've known one another, Koushi has never seen Hajime cry. Not in the three during the ups and downs of them living together or separately, not at the memorial service, not when Tooru accidently ran Hajime's foot over with a car during his first and last practice drive. Hajime is the strong one, the one that holds them both and patches things over. He's the caretaker, the survivor. He doesn't break. 

And yet... Koushi kneels in front of the other man and gently grasps his hands, pulling them away from his face. Hajime's eyes are closed, but the tears are still falling. Koushi can feel himself ripping apart, stitch by stitch, his arms and legs becoming weak and his breathing becoming rapid and his head growing light. He can feel himself falling apart, all because the strongest person he knows is crying. What the hell is he supposed to do now? All Koushi knows how to do is cry and mope around. 

Seeing Hajime like this though... Some part of him can't allow it to happen. 

"I think that's the first time you've ever told me you loved me," Koushi finally mumbles. 

It's such a sudden statement that Hajime opens his eyes and looks up. Koushi smiles, knowing he said the right thing. 

"What?" 

Twisting until he can sit on the bed next to Hajime, Koushi wraps his arms around the other man, hugging him tight. "Without you around, I don't think I'd be here right now. I don't think I'd have survived even another year with Tooru. But... you're right. He's not here. He may be dead or--" Koushi sucks in a painful breath, but he can do this, he can fix his stitches. "--or happy somewhere else. But the fact is, he's not here. You are. You've always been there. And I can't ever repay you for that." 

Finally, he can feel Hajime relax. They lean on one another before falling back onto the bed, their legs dangling off the side while they wrap their arms around one another. 

"I love you, too." Koushi whispers. Hajime pauses, then leans closer and presses a kiss against the top of Koushi's head. He can feel the other man smile against his hair. 

"I'm sorry for shouting." 

"I'm sorry for being such a pain." 

"I'm sorry I'm such a hard-ass sometimes." 

"You're used to dealing with tough people. I'll try to be better from now on, to not let you handle so much on your own." 

"And I promise to still be there, whenever you need me." 

"I'll be there this time, too." 

Hajime tightens his arms around Koushi, hoping that things will start to look up now. Koushi wiggles until he's able to face Hajime before he plants a small kiss on the other man's lips. 

"What was that for?" 

"Just a small thank you." 

"Can I ask for a larger thank you?" 

Koushi can feel his face flush, but it feels good. The tension and darkness is slowly fading away, and he can feel himself relaxing. 

"Maybe," he finally replies, a smile pulling at his lips while the two stare at one another. 

"Damn you, Koushi Sugawara. You're going to make me beg, aren't you?" 

Koushi rolls them over until he can lay atop Hajime, slightly hoping he isn't crushing the other under his weight. 

"You won't have to beg. Much." 

Hajime smiles, then leans towards him and pecks him on the mouth. As he tightens his arms around him, Koushi can't help but think that things will be better after this. He doesn't need to be alone as he stitches himself back together.


	2. **

It takes Koushi two months to forget Tooru's number. 

It takes him five months to stop looking at stranger's faces. 

It takes ten months until the nightmares stop. 

And it takes fourteen months until thinking of Tooru doesn't hurt anymore. 

Most days Tooru doesn't even cross his mind. He's working part-time at a hospital and back in college, so between that and his nights spent with Hajime, he doesn't have much time or room to think about things from his past. And in the moments when memories of Tooru do resurface, Koushi falls into silence, letting the memories wash over him until they fade again. 

He kept his promises to Hajime. He got better. He stuck around. Now the two are back to living together in an apartment halfway between Koushi's school and Hajime's work. The routine they developed allows them to spend their nights wrapped in one another's arms, then enjoy a quick breakfast in the morning before they go their separate ways. 

And Koushi is fine with this. On lucky weekends the two are able to go out on dates and enjoy a few stress-free hours, or they stay at home and do nothing together. Koushi can't remember a time when he felt this peaceful. 

-x-x-x- 

"Rent is due next week." 

"Hm?" Koushi glances over at his boyfriend--their relationship has morphed the most over the past year and has officially been labeled, much to Koushi's pleasure--wondering what he's talking about. 

Hajime raises a brow. "Rent. For our apartment. Do you have your share?" 

"Uh... yes! I believe I do." Koushi smiles in reassurance, then pauses, his face falling as he tries to remember if he does indeed have money for rent next week. 

Hajime chuckles, knowing all too well what the look means. "Don't worry. I can cover if need be." 

"Ah, that won't be an issue, I swear! I'll have it. The supervisor is just being... kind of stingy lately," he tries to laugh it off, hoping Hajime won't pry. But of course he does. 

"Again? What the hell is that ass doing this time?" 

"Nothing really," Koushi reaches over and gently pats Hajime's chest in hopes it'll calm him down. Hajime seems torn, so Koushi leans towards him and rests his head on his shoulders. "She's just... throwing blame at everyone these days--except these two nurses. They're constantly late or messing up medications or not treating the patients properly, but one of them is related to her? So she just completely overlooks all what they do. They were late four time last week. I was late once a month ago and she still hasn't forgiven me for it, even though I'm always early now. She even yells at me sometimes for being _too_ early!" 

Hajime stifles a laugh and shakes his head. "You've only been there a few months. Maybe it'll get easier, or they'll lighten up on you." 

Koushi sighs. "I doubt it. Those two nurses have been there less than I have and I'm already in deeper water. I mean, I love my job, I do. I like talking to the patients and helping people. It's just... my _supervisor_ , and those two nurses. They just make everything so much harder." 

"I'm not going to pretend I understand what you're going through--" 

"Yeah, Mister IT Guy who sits on his ass all day and comes home and sits on his ass all day," 

"--that's uncalled for--" Koushi tilts back his head and laughs, one of few he's been able to have in the past year, but Hajime just continues. "--but I know you're great at what you do. And you've managed to come so far in such a short amount of time, so even if it is your supervisor dragging you through the mud, I know you can get through it. You've gotten through worse." 

Hajime tightens his grip on Koushi's shoulders as he finishes. Koushi can't even look up at him, the sweet words making him blush. "Well aren't you just encouraging." Koushi finally says, his voice low. 

Hajime smiles, then leans over and places a small kiss on Koushi's forehead. The smaller man leans closer to his boyfriend and they continue walking down the street, oblivious to passersby as they make their way to a café for their weekly date. 

They get there just before the lunch rush, so they're able to order and get a proper seat before people start swarming in. They hardly talk to one another, choosing instead to people-watch and sip their drinks quietly. It's routine and it's nice and it keeps a small smile plastered on Koushi's face that Hajime doesn't miss. 

By the time they finish their drinks, the café is full of people and sound. A year ago, Koushi would have been sweating from nerves, his heart fluttering in his chest while his stomach heaved. But now, it's okay. He's comfortable in this noise. It drowns out the silence in his head and chases away the darkness he still feels. 

And seeing Hajime glance at him every couple of minutes makes things better too. 

They leave the café and start walking back to their apartment. The weather is nice and Koushi almost wishes they could stay like this forever. Hajime's hand is tightly gripped around his and he knows when they get back to the apartment that they'll change their clothes and cuddle on the couch with some action movie playing on the TV. Then afterwards they'll think about dinner before doing a few chores, maybe even take a shower together. They'll cook dinner together, followed by another movie--in bed this time--then either they'll fall asleep or have a hot and heavy make-out session followed by hot and heavy sex. Either option is fine with Koushi, though sometimes he can't decide which he prefers. 

A loud, obnoxious laugh reaches him then. He almost doesn't pay attention, but the sound is so distinguished he knows he's heard it before. He slows his steps and tilts his head as he listens to it. He knows it, but he just can't place it. 

He starts to scan the faces of the people behind him. They're all strangers, out in couples or groups, or walking alone in a hurry. He doesn't recognize any of them. His arm is being drawn out by Hajime, who finally notices he's stopped. 

"What's wrong?" 

That's when he spots her. 

Two stores down in an outdoor café, bustling with activity. The woman sits near the middle with her back to the store, so Koushi can see her perfectly. 

She was always a round sort of woman, with thick, curly brown hair usually piled on top her head, showcasing her neck. Today is no different, except her usual bun is replaced with a long ponytail. Her eyes are hidden behind a pair of cat eye sunglasses, but Koushi knows they'd be the same chestnut brown as her son's. 

He can feel his breath start to speed up. He lets go of Hajime's hand and starts to step to the side to get a better view of the other two sitting with her. He's pretty sure the older man on the right of her is her husband. His hair is darker and sticks straight up. His back is curled at the shoulders and his head is dipped a little low, and seeing him constantly rubbing the back of his neck has Koushi confirming it's her husband. Koushi watched that man make that gesture every single time he saw him. It's something his son even picked up, especially when he was nervous or in a negative mood. 

"Koushi, what's wrong? What are you looking at?" Hajime steps behind him and tries to see what he's seeing but Koushi doesn't reply. His attention is focused on the third occupant of the table, the one who keeps constantly turning his head to the side, obscuring his face. 

His hair is a little flatter and shorter, but it still has that same curl to the ends. His shoulders are slumped as he leans over the table, seemingly uncomfortable with the other two. 

In a few more steps.... the man turns his head to the right, just a little, and Koushi feels himself stop breathing. 

He knows that profile. He knows the slant of that forehead and the curve of that nose, and the way the chin just barely juts out. He stared at that face during silent nights when the other was sleeping, memorizing every feature. Without him constantly on his mind, Koushi always wondered if he'd ever forget that face, but now he knows that isn't true. 

He lifts one hand and starts to point towards the table, and uses his other to reach behind him for Hajime. 

He knows by the sharp intake of air that Hajime sees what he's pointing at. 

Koushi's chest hurts. His hands are starting to sweat and he doesn't know exactly what he's feeling. Shock, joy, pain, anger. He can feel tears starting to form in his eyes from the onslaught of emotions, but he doesn't blink them away because if he blinks, he's afraid the person in front of them is going to disappear. 

Tooru. Tooru is alive.


	3. ***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for this ch :')

His heart is pounding against his chest. He can't breathe, he can't look away. Hajime places his hands on the top of Koushi's shoulders and squeezes. 

Koushi starts to stutter, something he only does in moments of extreme stress. "Y-you see him t-too, right? I-I'm not ima-imag--" 

"I see him," Hajime whispers. Koushi can feel his breath breeze past the top of his head. It calms him, just a little, to know he's not alone and isn't seeing a ghost. 

"W-what should w-we do?" 

Hajime doesn't reply right away. Koushi just barely glances up at him before returning his eyes to Tooru. 

Tooru. Alive and breathing and smiling and _talking with his parents_. 

His parents who look perfectly okay. The one's who never called Koushi or Hajime to let them know Tooru is okay. But should it really be that surprising? The last time Koushi had seen the parents was at the memorial service. Tooru's mother had been crying and blaming him for Tooru's disappearance. She never made much sense, but it was always easy to tell she frowned upon her son being in love with another man. Hajime tried to yell at her, accusing her of being too strict, too demanding, that she was the reason why Tooru was gone all the time and constantly lying to her. Koushi had never seen Hajime so angry, but Hajime had known Tooru the longest, so he knew what the other had gone through over the years. 

It didn't end well. 

Finally Hajime replies, but it doesn't make Koushi feel any better. "A large part of me wants us to turn around right now and forget we ever saw anything, to pretend like he's still gone. But I know you'd never forgive me if we did that. So... we'll go over. We'll stay calm and keep it simple, okay?" 

"Okay," Koushi whispers. He reaches up a hand and grasps one of Hajime's, squeezing it before the two make their way towards the shop. 

His mother looks so lively, like nothing is amiss, like seeing Tooru is nothing exciting. 

But what if it isn't? At least for them? For all Koushi knows, Tooru could have been back for months. 

And if that is true, why hasn't he gotten in touch with either Koushi or Hajime? Unless Tooru is willingly ignoring them, it doesn't make sense that he wouldn't contact them. 

Just a few feet away from the café, Tooru's mother spots them. Her smile vanishes instantly. She sits up straighter and even behind her sunglasses, Koushi knows the woman is glaring at them. Her lips thin out. Her husband glances over his shoulder and does a double take when he realizes who it is. His mouth falls open in a silent gasp. 

Then Tooru turns around. Koushi's heart beats harder and faster, so much so he thinks it'll break out of his ribcage. He sucks in a breath and steadies himself, offering a small smile as Tooru focuses on them. 

Then the two stop, and watch as Tooru doesn't smile. He doesn't so much as blink at them. His brows furrow and he glances between them and his parents, confusion spreading across his features. 

He doesn't recognize them. 

It hits Koushi just as Tooru fully turns back to his parents and asks, "Who are they?" 

"They're nobody and they need to leave now," his mother sneers. She half stands from her chair and places both hands on the table as she rises. 

"Now wait a minute--I thought you told them?" Tooru's father chimes in, but he's immediately hushed by his wife. 

She stands from the table and rounds it, stopping in front of Koushi. She pokes his chest while she speaks. "I told you two to give up and never come around me aga--" 

"Don't touch him like that," Hajime growls out the words and reaches around Koushi to grab the woman's hand. She gasps and jerks back, hitting the table and causing the tableware to wobble. 

"Don't touch my mother like that." 

Tooru stands and faces them. His face is masked in anger, and it breaks Koushi's heart. 

"I don't know who you two are or what you want, but you're clearly upsetting my mother and father and I would appreciate it if you'd leave." 

The tone of his voice leaves no room for the two to argue back. Koushi can feel his eyes water, but he doesn't let the tears fall. "Come on, Hajime. This was a mistake." 

Something flickers across Tooru's face, but it's gone in an instant. Koushi and Hajime leave the café, ignoring the stares of the people around them. 

It was a mistake. Tooru doesn't recognize them. How is that even possible? 

"We'll figure this out," Hajime whispers. He drapes an arm around Koushi's shoulders and brings him in close. Koushi feels himself nod, but otherwise doesn't reply. He doesn't know how to function right now. Tooru is _alive_ and he doesn't remember them. It's almost like losing him again. 

-x-x-x- 

Koushi climbs under the covers, his eyes still a little red and his hands still a little shaky. Hajime hands him his cup of tea before climbing in after and sliding in close. He takes his tea back as Koushi adjusts himself until his head is resting on Hajime's chest. 

"It still sucks," Koushi whispers. He can feel Hajime take a sip of tea and breathe out afterwards. The rise and fall of Hajime's chest helps soothe Koushi a bit. 

"Well his sister wasn't there, so there's a chance she might not know about him yet." 

"But she could already know and that's why she wasn't there. We don't know how long Tooru has been back." 

"True," Hajime takes another sip from his tea before continuing. "I'll track down her number in the morning and give her a call. She's always liked us. I should be able to get something out of her." 

Koushi nods but doesn't say anything. He hasn't seen Nozomi since the memorial service, when she left early to take her son home. She never called and Koushi never had her number. Hajime was more likely to reach her anyways. He's known the family longer, so it'd be more reasonable for him to get in touch with her. 

"Hey, listen to me," Hajime's voice is quiet. Koushi glances up and is greeted with Hajime's gaze. "We'll get through this. Even if he... doesn't remember us, we'll get through this." 

"I don't know if I can handle losing him again." 

Hurt flashes across Hajime's face, but he hides it quickly. "We won't lose him." 

Koushi nods, unable to say anything. He lays his head back down on Hajime's chest and closes his eyes. If Tooru really doesn't remember them though, then he's already lost.


End file.
